One Last Deal

She relaxed her grip almost as though she was relinquishing her hold on life. Slowly her fingers flexed open, knuckles white and she stared at their colour in fascination. She was brought back to a memory, a memory from a long time ago. That colour was familiar. She had seen it before.

She could almost feel her heart beat faster and could almost hear her father’s words as he spoke to her harshly demanding she hold out her hand so he could cane it. That was in primary six, shortly after the results of their mid-year exams were released. She hadn’t meant to fail Math. It wasn’t that she was no good at it, she just got carried away with play time. As she stretched out her hand slowly, the fingers trembling, the knuckles a stark white in contrast to her black shirt, hot tears slid unbidden down her cheeks.

That night, she hadn’t been able to sleep. She had been so determined to jump out her second-story window especially when she gazed at the red streaks across her palms. She was pulled back only by the fear of the unknown and because she didn’t want to die just yet. She had never felt so unloved before. Or so she thought.

In secondary three, she had fallen in love. He was her senior and was more experienced in matters of the heart. Love made her giddy, it turned every day into a colourful fantasy – so abstract was the colour that she had been unable to see straight. Desperately in love, they had snuck around together without her parents’ knowledge at the same time proudly declaring his affections to her friends.

Well, she grew up fast. When he dumped her for her best friend – her best friend! – her entire world came crashing down. She spent the better half of her secondary three life in agony, crying herself to sleep every night and picking quarrels with everyone. That had been the time for her to grow up.

She had managed to pick herself up, managed to pull back from the dark abyss of utter despair by telling herself she was strong and that she could make it through the rain. Oh how she wished she could say it was religion that helped her recover but religion was only the half of it. Immersing herself in co-curricular activites had been the key. Then again, it was God’s will that she had survived that heartache.

For a long time, she wasn’t happy. She merely lived her life as it was - school, homework, revision and eventually the O levels. After being streamed to a college, her life picked up.

She fell in love again, although was better cautioned this time. The boy she fell in love with was the one who truly made her happy and whom she felt truly cared for her and thus, she was able to reciprocate his affections. At last she could smile again.

She smiled as she thought of this happy memory but then the pain slicing through her reminded her of where she was. She couldn’t smile at a time like this! The irony of the situation almost made her laugh. Somebody cried out and she realized with surprise it was her. She wondered why time stood still and why everything seemed to be moving in slow-motion.

Her husband, he was a fine man who cared for her and who supported her through the hard times. She loved him, yes she did. Of course there were hard times, quarrels but they had stuck by each other and he was her partner in life. They were a team.

She could almost see his smile in her mind now. She wanted him to know she was thinking of him. She thought of no one but him at this point in time. Did he know – how much she loved him? His face was replaced by her parents. They loved her too and she loved them, loved them strongly for all they had done for her. She hadn’t managed to visit them last weekend – she hoped fervently that they understood.

She was hitting the ground. Her body was moving beyond her control and her vision was dimming. She blinked, surprised to find her eyes yet. ‘Not yet!’ Her mind screamed at her. This was it. But she wanted to remember one final thing first. What was it? Yes, the reason why she hadn’t visited her parents.

The doctor had smiled at her as he conveyed the news. She felt emotions coursing through her but the one overriding all was joy. Pure, complete joy. Of course she was happy! More than happy! Now she could fulfill another role in her life. Cheeks glowing, she walked on air all the way back to the car and drove on air all the way back home.

And her baby had been born on a beautiful December morning. A full seven pounds! With perfect, pearly toes and even a little tuft of black hair. And even though everyone said it was too early to tell, she knew the baby looked just like him – the man she had chosen to spend the rest of her life with.

Her vision was rapidly fading. She could see spots of white lights. She desperately wanted to hang on, and she tried to make deals with God. She promised never to miss another prayer if He gave her this one chance. Those deals had sometimes worked for her over the course of her thirty-nine years and maybe this was one of those times. Maybe it was just another nightmare and she had to shake herself awake.

But the pain she felt was all too real. Slicing through her gut. She looked down at her white knuckles and was surprised to find them now a deep, dark red. It looked like tomato ketchup but was a lot warmer. It was an accident, one minute she had been cutting the watermelon, the next minute her hand had slipped and… Her stomach looked all funny too. With all her final strength, she gripped the handle of the knife and pulled it out. With that, her legs buckled and she crumbled to the floor.

She made her last deal with God. Please God, keep my family safe, watch over them and let them be happy and please God, let them know how much they mean to me.

On the kitchen table beside the half-cut watermelon, baby cries could be heard on the baby monitor.

Silly As It May Sound

My life was in shambles,
before you came along.
Heartbreak was rampant.
I had no one to talk to,
no one to cry to,
I felt like I was all alone.
Silly as it may sound,
I shut everyone out.

Even after meeting you,
I played you like another game.
I was jaded, can you blame me?
I never took your words seriously,
I never took you seriously.
Silly as it may sound,
I never even took myself seriously.

Ups and downs
chronicle our time together,
Well, mainly downs.
We were young, careless but not free.
We tied ourselves to each other,
obsessed over each other,
We kept quarelling
about the slightest things.
Silly as it may sound,
we didn't know what we had.

Our time apart,
was hell for me.
Everyday was a struggle,
I had to immerse myself in other things.
It was a payback year -
I was mean to you,
you were mean to me.
Silly as it may sound,
I cried myself to sleep.

To be honest,
things started to look up.
The process was excruciatingly slow,
I could not let go.
How could I?
When I had lost what I wanted most?
Yet I struggled forth.
I moved on, supposedly.
Silly as it may sound,
I never did.

We went out,
had a pretty ordinary time.
I knew then I'd rather have my teeth drilled,
than to try to be your 'friend'.
I told you a secret,
you didn't seem to care.
Silly as it may sound,
you didn't seem to care.

You messaged me that very night.
That night I almost didn't reply you.
Can you understand my irritation?
I was finally moving on.
I felt as though you were playing me,
but you weren't.
You confessed,
and slowly, wounds were healed.
Silly as it may sound,
we got back together.

And you know what?
It doesn't sound so silly after all. =)